Is Too Much Information Killing Us? The Difference in Parenting Today
Why are parents today overtaken by so much fear about not getting parenting "right," not being perfect, not measuring up to others’ expectations, or attaining desired future outcomes when previous generations of parents were not?I left you with this question at the end of my last Substack. Some of you weighed in with thoughtful responses (thank you) and like you, I see a culmination of contributing factors. Even still a new journal article I read this past week seems to support my original hypothesis about the fearful shift we see and feel as parents today.
Research conducted by Ciera Kirkpatrick, an assistant university professor studying media’s effects on mental and physical health, found that idealized images of motherhood posted on social media increased comparison, exacerbated anxiety, cultivated envy, and produced insecurity. It appears: Knowing what everyone else is doing is killing us.
For previous generations of parents and for today’s parents prior to about 2014 when cell phones and social media noteably changed society: What you didn’t know didn’t hurt you.
We didn’t know what other mothers were doing and managing, how they looked, their children looked, their houses looked, their birthday parties looked, what they were cooking, what their children were doing and the rewards they received, and on and on. And we weren’t hurt. We weren’t comparing, overthinking, or berating ourselves—at least not to the same degree.
Now we are inundated with images and non-stop streams of information. There are parenting influencers, Christian influencers, counselor influencers, doctor influencers, stylist influencers, heck, there are even pre-teen influencers. All these voices with the varying philosophies they espouse send us spiraling into self-doubt or striving to be enough (more than enough—god-like!). What we know is hurting us!
We live exhausted and full of fear trying to be and do all that we think we must to be a good parent. To feel and know our worth! And this is where I see “idols” entering the picture. As I wrote in Parenting Ahead, an idol is whatever rules our hearts, whatever we worship, whatever we place our functional hope in. As parents our idols are often tied up with performance, appearance, and acceptance—meaning we have to have these things for ourselves and our kids. We fear to not have them would be detrimental .
What if our child doesn’t perform well?
What if he/she doesn’t get into a good college?
What if he/she doesn’t get in with the “right” friend group?
What if she isn’t included?
What if he makes a bad choice?
What if my child gets hurt?
With every what if fear of the future we become more worked up and more afraid. Consequently, we must control to get it right, to prevent our fears, to secure the present and future outcomes we want.
There is a reason more than any other command in the Bible we are told, “Do not fear.” It’s our human tendency. But it seems the more our eyes are diverted away from Truth and focused on what everyone else is doing and what culture says we must to be enough we spiral down into more and more fear.
So my admonition and the antidote to our fear is to cast your eyes on the Prince of Peace—the One who “keeps him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you…(Isaiah 26:3).”
Practically what this looks like is:
Instead of endlessly striving to be the perfect parent with perfect kids to show for it, rest knowing that in every way you fail to meausre up Christ was perfect for you, and for your kids. And your identity and security lies in his accomplished work, not yours.
Instead of trying to control for the outcomes you desperately want or filling with self-doubt over what you should have done differently, trust that in God’s love and care for you and your children he is working all things (sin and trials included) for good, even if we can’t see it now.
Instead of looking for approval from others based on what the world (or your friends) esteem best and right when it comes to eductional choices, activities, priorities, etc, check your heart motives and ask God for his grace and peace in seeking after his ways for your family.
“…For his peace, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:7).”
May the experience of his perfect peace quelch our fears as we turn to him in “prayer and supplication with thanksgiving (Phil 4:6).” His work, his worth, his strength, his grace. To God be the glory that in our weaknesses and imperfections he delights to give us himself!
Growing in grace together,
Kristen
