Fear, Grandparent Alienation, and the Gospel Applied
When I was a young mom Growing Kids Gods Way was the Christian parenting “Bible” for getting your baby sleeping through the night in no time. For a rule-follower like me I was all in. I followed it to a “t”—to no avail! The formula supposed to work with every baby didn’t work with mine; she cried her heart out all the time and slept what felt like none of the time. But when I told people my baby still wasn’t sleeping through the night, months after she “should” have been, this is what I heard (literally or in my head).
Did you not do Growing Kids God’s Way? JUDGEMENT!
You must not have followed the schedule fully. ACCUSATION!
You didn’t do it right. CONDEMNATION!
You are bad mom. SHAME!
By God’s grace instead of spiraling too deep under the lies, I mentally countered: Surely, babies and child-rearing can’t be boiled down to a one-size fits all formula. Perhaps the problem isn’t me, but the book (I later learned many other parents struggled because of this book)!
For me it was one book to toss. But for young parents today, bombarded with messaging from friends and family, books and social media, feelings of not getting it right and the anxiety over what that will do to the child often results in crippling fear and shame. I see this frequently in the counseling room.
More and more frequently I also hear about grandparents not following the “rules.” At best young moms are irritated that their kids’ bedtime wasn’t enforced or too much sugar was given. At worst, grandparents are being blocked from spending time with their grandchildren. Sadly, because the alienating is more common than most of us know, this even has a name: Grandparent Alienation Syndrome (GAS). While various reasons lead to GAS, something not mentioned on any of the websites I’ve perused, but I see connected is parents’ fears and need to control.
Imagine with me—If I am a young mom with my identity riding on being a “good mom,” but am filled with self-doubt and fear that I am missing the mark, I must do everything in my power to prove my worth as a mom, which includes keeping my child safe and flourishing. Obviously, safety and health are primary responsibilities of parents, but true endangerment is not what I’m talking about, unreasonableness is. Things like:
Prohibiting a grandparent from taking the child to the park because they may get hit by a car when they cross the street.
Not allowing the child to spend the night because what if there is an intruder.
Requiring grandparents to send pictures of Easter basket items for approval before delivering to child (This is real!).
These may be extreme, but all the boundary-setting*, fear, anger and relational discord is telling. Now I realize most of you reading this aren’t young parents or grandparents. But I share because there is something here for all of us:
To know culturally what is happening so you might better enter in with an overwhelmed young parent, or confused and rejected grandparent in your church body or other spheres. For different reasons, but for both, they are cloaked in shame and aloneness.
To grow in self-awareness and connect the dots between feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. On the surface level is the behavior, but in peeling back the layers as we would with an onion, we get to the root feelings and thoughts that led to the behavior, ie: fear => control. But in reality, fear has become controlling, ie: “I must measure up as the perfect mom.” And here we get to the heart level of where we need to apply the gospel…
To see where we need the gospel practically in daily life. It is one thing to know “we are sinners,” but when we start to see how even good desires—like being a good parent—can rule us in such a way that fear leads us to try to be our children’s Savior (and our own), we see our need for Jesus more personally and deeply. But rather than this being cause to beat ourselves up and fill with more shame, this is where the rubber meets the road with the gospel.
If I believe that Christ accomplished everything in life and in death for me, even in my sin (which at its core is turning away from God) I can rest knowing God still smiles at me. I don’t have to clean myself up or (re)earn his approval. Therefore, I can freely confess and repent. His grace is unending. His love for me unsurpaseed. His perfection is credited to my account. Jesus’s record is mine. These gospel truths become my self-talk and confidence. I can name where I am placing my functional trust without fear, and talk more honestly with God about my need for his help. Furthermore, when we know this is true of ourselves, we also know what is true of others, which means we can identify with one another instead of hiding in fear! And enter in with compassion and grace, which leads to redemptive, grace-infused conversations—between parents, grandparents, children, and friends.
As always my hope is to raise further thoughts for you personally, and discussions around your table.
Growing together in Grace,
Kristen
*Sometimes boundaries are needed. Not the situations I’m referring to here.
